Side Effects May Include Feeling Awesome
In an impressive demonstration of the optimistic spirit of the mid-20th century, the enterprising Walter Jackson Freeman II, PhD spent the bulk of the 1950s and 60s developing and performing a novel surgery, the transorbital lobotomy, despite that fact he was not—in the medical sense—a surgeon. Often referred to as the “ice pick lobotomy,” the procedure involved the following steps, which I am not making up:
1. To avoid the cost and time of administering anesthesia, the patient would instead be rendered unconscious using electroconvulsive therapy.
2. A sharp metal tool called a leucotome would be gently placed beneath the patient’s eyelid.
3. The doctor would whack the leucotome past the patient’s eye socket and swish it around the brain, severing the neural fibers between the frontal lobe and the thalamus, along with additional brain matter that we now know is “goo.”
The transorbital lobotomy proved to be an efficient means of treating a variety of mental health conditions, such as schizophrenia, psychosis, and “feeling a little off today.” Over the course of his long career, Freeman successfully performed the surgery on thousands of patients, some of whom did not immediately die. He was such an evangelist for the procedure, which he could complete in under ten minutes, that he toured the country lobotomizing dozens of people a day in hospitals, homes, and hotels.
Of course, this sort of medical conduct is unimaginable today. A doctor would never come to your home!
In the 21st century, medical care has grown substantially more costly and time intensive as we now insist that it be performed by trained medical professionals and not just a guy with a hunch. Of course, there’s always a shortage of trained medical professionals, which means you’ll spend days or even weeks waiting for someone to drive a stake through your brain.
Should you find yourself in need of assistance right away, a typical visit to urgent care looks something like this:
1. You will arrive in a room filled with snotty children, wheezing adults, and one older gentleman who is napping or maybe already dead.
2. The receptionist will ask what brings you in today, and you will mumble something inaudibly as you complete the sign-in sheet, and the receptionist will say “I didn’t catch that,” and you will yell through the glass window, “I HAVE DIARRHEA.”
3. The receptionist will hand you a clipboard, which you will take to the last remaining seat next to the dead man, where you will answer important medical questions, such as whether you are able to pay for today’s services.
4. You will wait quietly in your seat as the front desk staff performs triage, which is French for “check Instagram.”
5. After watching all 6.5 hours of LIVE with Kelly & Mark, a medical assistant will ask if you know how tall you are, and you’ll see if you can get away with an extra inch or two without arousing suspicion, and then you’ll explain why you’re here today, and the medical assistant will commiserate to let you know that you’re not that weird. (“We’ve seen lots of adults struggling not to poop their pants today.”)
6. You will then wait in another room while the doctor reviews your file and Googles your symptoms and possible treatment plans (“loose stools lobotomy?”).
It’s no surprise, then, that telehealth companies are finding ways to streamline this process, offering easy-to-access treatment for a variety of conditions, such as anxiety, depression, and “I have finals tomorrow.” From the comfort of your home, you can meet with a licensed nurse who will assess your eligibility for treatment by asking questions like “do you want drugs?” and “can you pay for them?”
Some of these telehealth companies have come under criticism for aggressively marketing directly to consumers and then prescribing drugs that patients may not actually need. In their defense, however, the executives of these companies have clarified that they would like to make a boatload of money.
This online marketing approach is a stark departure from even a few years ago. Back then, if you wanted to take control of your health, you’d have to tune in to The Price Is Right so you could learn during the commercial break that you have Vibrating Eyebrow Disorder, but the good news is it’s treatable if you ask your doctor about Twitchorax.
The system had an obvious flaw: Many doctors weren’t aware of Vibrating Eyebrow Disorder or Twitchorax because they were working during The Price is Right. In order to make sure doctors knew about this crippling condition and its miracle treatment, pharmaceutical sales reps would have to take the doctors to medical conferences at The Four Seasons in Maui.
Well at long last, this market inefficiency has been corrected. You no longer have to schlep all the way to your doctor’s office and ask if Twitchorax is right for you. Thanks to the modern technology and the convenience of online pharmacies, you can order a lobotomy kit straight to your house.